I do love that feeling, the one where a threshold level of disgust in oneself where critical choices on your behavior must be made, lest you dig your heels deeper into the dirt and you allow denial to work it's deceptive ways. That feeling gives way to me learning how to make a blog post on a website that I can call my own. It draws what a future looks like where you make better decisions and use your phone less. Spend what would be that lost time on learning synonyms to words, on learning piano and guitar chords, allowing yourself to be a beginner in so many things. Because, there are just so many things to do unwell but with enjoyment. There is a perspective of your own that can be developed.

You don't like forcing yourself to go to sleep early. I don't like it. I am questioning if that is even something I will consider doing tonight. I have a nagging thought that is asking me to regain momentum in Lord of the Rings.

There is a nagging thought that wants me to write scripts as a hobby. Write stories as a past-time, something I do just to fill up the day when there is nothing else to do.

All the tools in my life surround this idea. I have ensured that if civilization fell, I would be able to record it in stunning detail. Without a camera, I have found that my writing is still a documentary of events. Abstractions and lies are truly hard because there is a one-to-one pathway between my brain and the words I write. Perhaps this is because I have not given myself enough time to drown into the world of the imaginary. A world that is directly on top of ours where such things as gnomes and ghouls are real, but we see them as car accidents, finding money, and controversial news. Those who have disconnected from the physical world truly do seem to participate in some degree of magic and intrigue. Forces external to their minds assist in their goals; so too, the same thing occurs, for even the unaware. The uninitiated will perpetually call it something else, superstition or coincidence while the mislead will believe it to be an anthropomorphic God of Men.

My own beliefs in mysticism not withstanding, I look at other people's success with contempt and disagreement and find everyway to discredit their achievement as undeserved and even stolen. I don't know where this fixation stems but it eats me from the inside out when I see someone succeed and I try to spit the poison of Jealousy from my soul but it latches to my heart like a leech and bleeds me dry. An entire day can be stuck in the trauma of witnessing someone else do something that I wish I could do. Of course, this is some sort of respect. A backwards view that if I did the right things and formed the right habits, that overtime, success in my hobbies and security in my relationships would be something I earned. Whatever I am angry at somebody else for really just tells me that they did it well and they probably deserved it.

I have that feeling now; that feeling that brings clarity about my decisions, allows me to assess if something is worth while to do, but I am wholly left with a pit. One that I dug myself when I forgot what it was like to be bored. How many walks would I take when the grid goes down; would I learn skills like medicine and sewing, would I not only collect books but read them to completion. I would make teas from strange plants and make sculptures from plastic. The Tao of 10,000 Possibilities tells us that if you watch the very first impulse incredulously and recognize that it will remain there untouched, you can begin to see many things, whose pathways and possibilities multiply exponentially. This process begins horrifically slow but before you can truly process it, the true scope of reality becomes overwhelmingly and intangibly large.

Your first lucid feeling of potential is not the beginning of this process. The true beginning is when options are scarce; you may even believe you have a latent concussion who's consequences aren't being understood until this exact moment. That's not what it is. This is the first moment of the rest of your life, and it is an active process of reverting to habits that you intentionally attempted to let go.

This is what journals are for on the day-to-day road. Everything else is up to you. Create works of art, listen to masterpieces, learn the language of change; understand inadequacy comes with being alive but being invigorated by it, admitting you're inspired, that is entirely different.

I am jealous by the talent people have and their ability to have stable relationships and work with one another. I am mad about it and think about people who exercise this privilege, negatively. I want to have what they have though for me to do it, it will require that I work towards it. I "hate" these people because they represent the work I must put in to share in their positivity. It is hard to change, though the difficulty at which change takes place, gradually eases with time and continued exposure.